Chelsea Handler Roasts Blake Lively-Justin Baldoni War, Melania Trump In Critics Choice Monologue

Originally slated for mid-January, the awards were moved to Friday night after the Los Angeles wildfires. Right at the top of the show, Handler stood in front of a group of first responders in the audience, thanking them for their service — as everyone in the room then got on their feet for a standing ovation.

After a video highlighting the best in film and TV over the past year, Handler then hit the stage for her actual opening monologue.

“I am your DEI host, Chelsea Handler. I wanna acknowledge that we’ve been through a lot lately … our entire country, waking up every day, not knowing what news we’re gonna hear that will disappoint and horrify us,” she began, before pointing out how important it is to have distractions in times like these.

“That’s why I would like to personally extend my gratitude to Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively. I’m grateful, I think we’re all grateful and I think we’re good,” she said to laughter from the audience.

“I think everybody in this room, no matter whose side your own, we can all agree to accept that there’s probably not going to be a sequel. It ends with us, guys.”

She then brought up how it was her third time hosting the show, making the gig her “second longest relationship.”

“My first being with the former head of this very network, shoutout to Ted Harbert … that was back when it was still cool to sleep with your boss. Not so cool anymore,” quipped the former E! host. “I spent 7 years on this network and during that time, I was the only woman hosting a late night show. And now, 11 years later, look how far we’ve come.”

“In 2025, the easiest way to have a late night talk show as a woman is to have the creators of Hacks write a fictional story about it,” she deadpanned, before then pointing to the bandage on her arm and joking, “Turns out St. Dennis Medical is not a real hospital. But David Alan Grier does give one hell of a pap smear.”

Telling everyone to “drink up” because “these could be the end of times,” she then brought up all the former child stars who found success this year, including Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and Ariana Grande.

“Now Ariana has even found love with a Munchkin!” she joked, though it didn’t quite get the reaction from the audience that she clearly expected. “That’s good news everybody!” she added, after the quip fell flat.

After praising the women in the room, including June Squibb, Demi Moore and Pamela Anderson, she gave a special shoutout to Cynthia Erivo — before then joking about her press tour with Grande. “The two of them all over each other. I remember the first time I did molly,” she cracked.

Bringing up nominee Ralph Fiennes, Handler then said, “you’ve played a ruthless Nazi, evil lord Voldemort and now a celibate cardinal and somehow made me want to have sex with you in all three roles,” she said, as some screams came from the audience.

“I am not alone. You’ve made some truly unsexy people very sexy. So I’m begging you, please, never play Vladimir Putin. I can’t do that again,” she said.

After then celebrating some of this year’s musical performances — including Nicole Kidman hitting “some notes I’ve never heard before” while pleasuring herself in Babygirl — she mentioned the “movies for straight people,” or biopics, like A Complete Unknown, Maria and Anora. The latter, she quipped, was “about Melania Trump.” In that movie, Mikey Madison plays a stripper/sex worker.

“That was a wild, wild ride. Russians and prostitutes, who would have ever connected those dots. Certainly no one in this room,” joked Handler.

She then pointed to Abbott Elementary’s Janelle James, mentioning how “incompetent” her school principal is on the sitcom. “I’m surprised she hasn’t been tapped to run the real department of education!” said Handler.

Handler’s monologue started to wind down by bringing up Colin Farrell’s 4-hour transformation to become the titular mobster in The Penguin, joking, “Now we know how long it takes to make Colin Farrell not f–kable … but honestly I’d still hit those flippers.”

She then ended with this: “On a less personal note, tonight is about all of you. Some of you will win, some of you will lose and some of you will just be in the background questioning your life choices, like Cheryl Hines at a Senate confirmation hearing. So let’s get the show started!”