Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss Googled Suicide Hotline Before Death & More Takeaways From Allison Holker’s Memoir

In her newly-released memoir, This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light, the professional dancer, per her publisher, “reveals how she has navigated the emotional and financial aftermath of Stephen’s choice, guided their three children in their grief while managing the outpouring from a well-meaning public, and reopened herself to the next chapter in her professional and personal life.” 

Boss died by suicide in December 2022. The Ellen DeGeneres Show co-executive producer, SYTYCD alum, and longtime DJ was 40 years old. Holker, 36, and Boss were married from 2013 until his passing. The couple shared Weslie, 16, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 4.

In her memoir, Holker detailed the deterioration of her husband’s mental health and struggles with depression, including his alleged mental state in the days leading up to his death.

Read on for five major takeaways from This Far.

Holker shared in her book that she searched for “clues” as to why her husband made his choice, including in Boss’ phone, nightstand, and shoeboxes.

She claimed that she discovered Boss had “sought out” a suicide hotline prior to his death, writing that he “looked up” a number in the summer 2022, which was just a few months before his passing.

“I could find no evidence on his phone that he made the call,” Holker wrote. “I’m sure he felt a lot of shame for even having sought out the number.”

In her book, Holker recalled how her husband decided to go on an ayahuasca trip to “confront the pressures of fatherhood, grapple with the absence of father figures in his own life and address his feelings of abandonment.”

According to Holker, Boss’ experience with the psychoactive drink started well, before they “took a really weird turn.”

“Instead of sticking it out, he decided to cut the trip short,” she said, adding that she researched the plant-based psychedelic, and learned that Boss had “left himself more exposed and vulnerable than ever” by leaving early and not finishing the entire process.

“I’ve since learned that for individuals with underlying mental health issues, ayahuasca can exacerbate deep-seated problems,” Holker wrote. “It can bring those issues to a boil, if you will, if there is not close supervision. The outcome can be the opposite of the intended healing. Stephen was never the same afterward.”

According to Holker, Boss’ demeanor was “different,” with the dancer writing, “It was like every day he woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

In her book, Holker opened up about how the conclusion of The Ellen DeGeneres Show allegedly impacted her husband’s mental health. Boss was a DJ and executive producer on the show from 2014 until the show signed off in May 2022.

While Holker said her husband wasn’t unemployed after the show ended, his daily structure changed, which she believed gave him space to “poke around” in the “dark corners of his mind.”

“I don’t believe the end of the show was destabilizing, because he wasn’t out of a job. There was no work slowdown for him. We had so many projects in the pipeline. It did, however, lead to a shift in Stephen’s routine,” she recalled. “For nine years, the show had given his days a structure and rhythm. No longer bound to a schedule, Stephen had more time to spend inside his head.”

Holker said that Boss’ struggles with depression were “concealed,” writing that she “might have overlooked” the signs. Looking back, Holker noted that she did notice signs of her husband’s “deteriorating mental state,” writing that he was suffering from symptoms such as “irritability, insomnia, weight loss, a lack of energy, a disinterest in work and friends and fun.”

“More and more he came up with excuses or reasons not to do things he previously would have thoroughly enjoyed,” Holker continued. “I’d find out later there’s a name for that: anhedonia, and it’s a common symptom of depression.”

According to Holker, Boss also struggled with his “personal hygiene.”

“I would find myself pleading with him to take a shower,” she wrote, adding, “At the time I thought he was too tired to properly care for himself. Now I know that neglecting self-care is another classic sign of depression.”

Holker detailed Boss’ alleged marijuana use in the months leading up to his death, including his “bizarre behavior” after smoking the night before his suicide.

Holker — who was met with controversy after she revealed Boss’ alleged drug use — wrote that Boss was in “an almost constant state of high” ahead of his death.

“What I didn’t know until I surveyed our backyard security cameras was that Stephen’s smoking had ratcheted up,” she wrote. “He was smoking in the morning and at night. It’s almost as if he used one strain of pot at the start of the day to become tWitch, then used another at night to come down from that persona.”

Holker alleged that Boss was even “sneaking out to smoke” on the set of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, but was able to hide it.

“To the best of my knowledge, nobody knew. He was really good at hiding it,” she said. “If I had been aware of the extent of his usage, I would have gone into protector mode right away.”

Holker noted that she wouldn’t have hesitated to get Boss treatment, but wrote that while he would have been willing, it was clear that’s not what he wanted.

“Of course, he would have had to be amenable to it, and Stephen’s behavior demonstrated that he clearly didn’t want my — or anybody else’s — help,” she said. “He went to extreme measures to make sure nobody suspected anything was amiss.”

According to Holker, the evening before he died, she received a text from her husband that featured “a tree emoji,” noting that they used the emoji to note that Boss was going to a marijuana dispensary. She said she received a concerning phone call from him shortly after.

“Not long after he left, he called me and sounded freaked out. He said he was really high, which seemed totally out of character for him,” she said. “This was not an ordinary conversation. I’d never known him to act like this. Smoking typically made Stephen more mellow, not paranoid. I was unsure what to do.”

Holker said Boss was “acting terribly strange,” when he returned home, claiming he repeatedly told her, “I lied.”

“I asked him questions, but he was incoherent. I will be forever tormented by those two words: I lied,” she wrote, adding that they went to sleep, and he apologized the next day.

“He apologized profusely for his bizarre behavior the night before. I explained how worried he had made me and asked him what lie he was talking about,” Holker said. “He claimed not to remember saying that. He apologized again, then turned the conversation toward work.”

In the prologue of her memoir, Holker reflected on an anniversary trip she took with Boss shortly before his passing. Holker and Boss married on December 10, 2013. The latter died three days after their nine-year anniversary on December 13, 2022.

Holker said her husband gave her a “gorgeous black Prada suit” for an anniversary gift, noting that it was a “a notable departure” from other presents he had gifted her in the past.

Looking back, Holker said she wonders if her husband bought her the luxury item to wear to his funeral.

“Did he buy me a black Prada suit so I’d have a nice outfit to wear to his funeral?” she wrote. “And if he did, was it one last gesture by an incurable romantic or just messed up beyond belief?”

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or has had thoughts of harming themselves or taking their own life, get help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) provides 24/7, free, confidential support for people in distress.

This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light is out now. Order it here.